This is really hard for me in more ways than one. When you are fighting cancer and tuning all your energy toward your day to day activities and getting well, there comes a moment when you realize things have changed. Its hard to put your finger on it. I guess it is part of that "Clarity" I was talking about earlier.
In the past day, I have become aware of two more people from my life who are fighting cancer. One is the dad of one of Allie's childhood friends from school. He is fighting prostate cancer just like I am...except he chose to have surgery. I havent talked to that man in 10-12 years, yet when I heard of his situation today, I felt an immediate kinship with him. I am adding him to my daily meditations.
Another person is someone that I knew 17-18 years ago. She was someone I worked with in a church...and is now going through daily radiation treatments like I will be starting in May. That was a very, very difficult situation back then those years ago...and I have carried a lot of hurt and disappointment from those days. This person was someone from that group of people that was difficult for me to work with back then for a myriad of reasons that don't apply now. Hearing of that person's situation made me feel an immediate kinship with them. I also realized that some of that hurt from those days that I still remember do not apply now.
It reminded me of what I have read lately that when you are trying to heal and be healthy, one must have a forgiving frame of mind. Things like that can never really be totally fixed, but for health reasons I realize that I have to let go of a lot of those feelings and allow God to take care of them.
Relationships do change. Sometimes they do so tragically and with unintended consequences. Sometimes, there are people who do wish you ill and want to hurt you for their own reasons. (I have definitely had more than my share of those in my life.)
It is possible to move on in life with your career, where you live and with new goals in life. But doing so while being so focused on Life's disappointments really keeps you from moving on. Never have I become more aware of this than I am now.
You know those clothes you keep in your closet for years because there will come a day when you will lose weight and you will be able to wear them again? There are some clothes in my closet that I have had for 20 years! Even when I lose enough weight to wear them again, I won't wear them because they dont apply to the person I am today.
It is time for those things to go...along with those grudges and hurts from all those years ago. It is part of what I need to do to be healthy and heal the cancer. It's not easy. It won't happen overnight. It wont fix what caused those things...but it will help me focus on getting well again.
God bless all of you and thank you for your friendship and support. I hope that my story and thoughts are helpful to you.